the story of BEE *

down and out *

2010-05-03T00:26:00.003-05:00

dudes will be the death of me...

i swear i'ma leave dudes alone for a minute because i'm never gonna find the right one for me. today i found out that charles has a girlfriend and i think they live together. ugh, how could i be so stupid and naive?! i'm always the girl that warns my friends about triflin' dudes, but look at me falling for the same traps. and he had the nerve to get mad at me when i told him i had a boyfriend.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i want to be single and mingle with the guys, but then i just want somebody to call me own. i love being in love and i hate not being in love. [sigh] will my love life ever be right?

it's been a minute...

2010-04-12T00:35:00.003-05:00

i've been gone for a minute, but i'm back...

first off, i wanna start off by saying i have missed writing on my blog. my writing game has been slipping lately, but it's about time for me to come back! my life has been a rollercoaster since my last blog entry. so many things have changed and new people have entered my life. so let me catch ya'll up...

it looks like me and bee are not getting back together any time soon. since breaking up with him, my feelings for him have totally changed. don't get me wrong, he's a cool person and all, but it was like i didn't have a break from him since the break up. i just wanted that time away from him. telling him this wasn't easy, he totally took it out of context and flipped. some of the things he said and did were out of line and i told him about it. he apologized and all, but i still feel i need to separate myself from him for a while.

moving on, my first love of my life willie has entered back in my life. i can't tell ya'll how much i love this guy, it's crazy. willie is my high school sweetheart and will always have a place in my heart. we recently kinda hooked back up over spring break and when i go home for the weekends sometimes. being with him brings back so many memories. he knows me and i know him. it's just a connection i can't help but recognize. he recently got in some trouble and he called me first out of anybody. i never thought i would ever be in that situation, but for him, i'll do anything, well almost anything. lol

there's this new guy i met name fred and he's pretty cool. the only problem i have with him is that he's really reserved. i can't be too flirtacious with him or he'll back off alot. i can see myself chilling with him more, but he's so busy with work, he can barely come over to the school. [sigh] we'll see...

soooo, me and charles hooked up earlier this week and it brought back some GREAT memories (wink,wink). i wish he wasn't so childish when it comes to relationship because i would totally consider him as a boo thang. he is soooo freaking hilarious. all i do is laugh when i'm around him. i just love the fact that he is older, so he knows alot more when it comes to... SEX! lol but, he still cool too...

school is coming along, i'm ready for the semester to be over though. mrs. walker is trying to hook up an internship for me this summer, so hopefully i'll be doing what i love this summer. i promise to keep ya'll updated for now so stay tuned!

dear b.j. *

2010-02-03T22:29:00.001-06:00

this has been long over due...

dear b.j. ,

in the the beginning, i really did not think much of you. i just thought of you as a cool ass guy friend. i never really pictured myself being in a relationship with you because my intentions were on charles. we became friends and we grew extremely close. i told you more than i told my home girls. i knew you would always be there for me.

the summer hit and charles was no longer in the picture. i grew to like you even more every day we talked. you made me laugh and you taught me things i never knew before. i slowly began to love you and i wanted you to be min. and then it happen...

you gave me everything i needed; you were the best boyfriend i ever had. you loved me past my flaws and you would do anything for me. when i came to visit you in shreveport, i had the most wonderful time. i knew in my heart that you were the guy for me...

until i got back to houston and i saw charles again. all those feelings i had came sweeping back and i couldn't stop them. i did not want to hurt you, but i just couldn't stop myself...

time has past and we are no longer together. i'm truly sorry for hurting you the way i did. i did and still do truly love you. even with us broken up, i can still see myself getting back with you. i just know that deep down inside, i am not ready for a committed long distanced relationship. i just don't wanna be that girl that scorn you for life when it comes to love and relationships. i don't mean to rub in me and charles in your face and i'm sorry if it appears that way.

i do still think of you as my future bee and i know eventually we will be deeply committed and in love with each other.

love,

your BEE <3

i get so lonely *

2010-01-17T17:00:00.004-06:00

ugh, being lonely totally sucks ass like seriously. i can't stand not being by myself for a long period of time. it's just not me.

so it's been a couple of weeks since i had any contact with a dude and i feel like i'm going into withdrawal. no kisses, no hugs, no sex= me having the shakes! lol i'm not use to this and i really need to find me a cuddle buddy like really fast. honestly, i'm hoping that charles will come around, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. Mother Teresa said it right with this quote. i just feel so unloved right now. i feel like i'm not desirable and i feel ugly. i just can't stand not having someone showing me some type of affection.

BEE once told me the reason why i seek affection is because of the fact that my father was never there for me and i never got that affection i needed from him. i don't know if that's true or not, but i do feel he does play a role in how i view relationships. how can i trust any man when i know they might up and leave me?? i just choose to hurt them before they hurt me.

but back to me being lonely, i gotta get over this. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE KEEP ME COMPANY?!

letting go *

2010-01-16T11:11:00.003-06:00

i'm trying to let go, but it's hard to do. i really want to be just happy with where i am in my life right now, but it's hard. like seriously, i don't know what i want for me in life. i can tell you my goals and where i want to be in my career, but when it comes to me personally, i go blank.

i try to take advice from everybody, but i still seem to float my own boat when it comes to my happiness. my sis and friends tell me to move on, that you're too young to be in a serious relationship. i kinda agree, at this point of my life, i don't think i'm ready to be fully committed. plus, i need to work on the things i'm dealing with internally before i can be a girlfriend to anybody.

but secretly, i wanna have somebody to call my own. i wanna be loved and have that affection that i crave so much. i totally screwed my relationship with BEE just cause i wanted to continue things with charles, but now i don't even now if charles was ever feeling me like that.

i'm trying to let go, one step at a time. first, i need to read my dear charles letter to him so i can see how he really feels about me. second, i just need to focus on me and better myself. ugh... things just look so bleek in my life.

my dear charles letter *

2010-01-16T03:41:00.002-06:00

dear charles,

from the start, people warned me about you. they told me that you weren't good for me and that i should not mess with you. even after all this, i still pursued you. i went after you because something about you intrigued me. when i finally got your attention, our time together was great. we grew close, in my eyes, and i could really see myself with you for a while. i told you that i wanted you to be my only guy and i did mean it... until i didn't hear from you over the summer.

yeah i moved on, but secretly i still wanted to be with you. it was something about you that i just couldn't let go. when i first saw you once i came back to school, all those emotions just rushed back and i couldn't stop them. that first time we hooked back up, i could tell that you were still feeling me... so i thought.

i still like you, i really do. like i said before, it's something about you that i just can't resist. it just seems like it's one sided though. not saying that you don't think i'm cool or that you don't like me, but maybe you were only there for the sex. whatever it is, i can see it now. even after all this, i still wanna be that girl you kick it with. crazy as it sounds, i really do.

i really wish that you can just be real with me and tell me how you really feel. i mean, be straight up with me. do you want to continue this or do you want me just to leave you alone. people have been telling me to stop pursuing you and maybe i should do that. maybe i should just take the backseat and see if you would come after me.

i know i've been bugging you lately, but i just gotta know dude. just tell me, okay?

you got me feenin' *

2010-01-15T14:57:00.004-06:00

what the fuck is wrong with men these days?! i mean, i would say that i am a decent looking female with alot to offer a guy, but i swear dudes be acting so damn stupid! ugh, i can't deal with them anymore. i'ma just do me and hopefully a guy can come around that knows how to kick it right.

so, i've been trying to chill with charles since i got back, but he on that other shit. he'll say he wanna come over but he never makes an effort to come. you would think after all that stuff he told me, he would LOVE to come to my room, but NOOOOOOOOO he wanna play games. man, i think i'ma leave him alone, but i just can't stop thinking about he DO me so good. omg, charles be having a girl feenin' for more i tell you.

i don't know what the fuck i'ma do with my situation. maybe i'ma become asexual, not like men or women. LMAO! puhlease, i love dudes too much to do that. [sigh] i just need something to get me over times like these.

single and busted *

2010-01-12T13:51:00.003-06:00

so, i finally figured out why the single life wasn't for me: IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!! ugh is the only thing i can say about my situation right now.

me and BEE have been talking regularly, but i can tell he is still hurt. i meant so much to him and feel like i let him down like seriously. i always have a tendency to fuck up a good relationship because of my needs. i'm so selfish, but it's hard for me to admit that to others. [sigh] i really need to get myself together.

what's in the future for this single and busted female?? who knows at this point, but i do know that i still love my BEE and i will not love anybody else other than him

fcked up life

2010-01-11T01:25:00.003-06:00

so me and BEE broke up today and i feel horrible. he's such a good guy and i know he's my guy for life, but at this point in my life, i can't be truly commited to him. God know i want to, but i know it won't happen. he's heartbroken right now, but i knew that i didn't want to hurt him with my actions if we were to stay together.

i do feel that we will get back together, but i don't know how soon that's gonna be. i love him with all of my heart, but i gotta get brittany together first before i can be truly with someone. i have commitment issues and i love sex to much to be in a long distance relationship. idk what's going on anymore. i never used this in my days, but fml =(

what a girl wants *

2010-01-07T00:38:00.003-06:00

what do i want when it comes to a relationship?

i know i want a guy that is there for me and loves me unconditionally, but i still wanna be able to explore and play the field too. i love my BEE with all my heart, but i can not hide the fact that i want to flirt and talk to other dudes too.

i really think if he was in houston with me, i wouldn't have all the problems that i deal with on a daily basis. i need affection all the time and i hate to be lonely. honestly, i love how i feel during sex. i love everything about it: the foreplay, the teasing, the intercourse; i just love everything about it. with BEE not being there, i get these urges that do not go away on their own. they HAVE TO BE FULFILLED.

i've never been faithful in any of my long term relationships. i cheated on my first boyfriend willie, my other boyfriend anthony, and on BEE now. it's not that i didn't or don't love them, it's just i love flirting and i love taking it to that next level. i want to stay faithful, but when those urges come, it's impossible for me.

maybe i should be single, work on myself and then finally become seriously commited to the one i love. but what if he's not there when i'm done? it would hurt so much to lose binaca at this point in my life. he's literally my half, he keeps me sane at times. we're a total match, we scarily have so much in common. i couldn't bare losing him...

what does this girl want?

puffy eyes and dried tears*

2010-01-05T00:35:00.005-06:00

i've been crying since about 6 in the evening yesterday, wondering what direction do i want to go in my relationship with my boyfriend bee. i know once i get back to houston, my sexual urges are going to come back with a vengence and it will be hard to deny them. so, i kinda suggested that we enter into an open relationship. i cheated on him in the fall with charles [read earlier post] and i didn't want to hurt him again, so i thought an open relationship would help. well, he couldn't grasp the idea of it, so he broke up with me. he said that he couldn't bare the fact that he would be sharing me and he just couldn't do it.

i love bee with all of my heart and i know that i don't want to be with any other guy, but these urges hold me hostage at times. i have a strong sexual appetite and it's hard for it to become "full". i first experienced this my first semester in college where i literally went crazy cause i needed to have sex. i went after an old high school classmate of mine that usually i wouldn't even talk to, but i gave in. after that day, when i need to have sex, it's either by myself or i have to be with somebody. recently, charles has been satisfying me in my needs at school. keep in mind, i don't love him or anything. i really don't want to be with him, but he gives me what i need when it comes to sex.

when it comes to me and bee, i love every moment we have when we are together. the emotions, passion, everything is there on the table, but i still feel like i need more. i don't want to feel like this all the time. i feel like i'm a prisoner to my urges, i can't escape. he tells me to pray, to leave it to God. i want to pray and give it to Him, but i feel like i would just disappoint him and fall victim to my urges again. Lord knows i want to change, but my body tells me i can't.

bee finally said he would be in an open relationship, but i can tell it's not what he wants. he always does things for me, but i can never do the things he want me to do. what's wrong with me? why can't i stay faithful? why can't i just be satisfied with the relationship i already have? why do i always have to mess up?

i don't even deserve to be with a guy like bee. he doesn't drink, smoke, or party like i do. he's only been with 2 other girls before me. he's a minister and he attends church regularly. what does he see in a girl like me?? i smoke, drink, and party. i can count on both hands the number of dudes i've slept with, not even counting the dudes i gave head to. i've never been faithful to any on my long term boyfriends. i love to fuck and i need it on a regular basis. what the fuck is wrong with me? why would he even love a girl like me?

but he say he does and i love him too with all of my heart. i literally can see myself with him in the future. not the type of stuff i saw in high school, but real love that can go far. i just need to get myself right first. i'ma go back to houston and get everything out my system. i'ma just fuck and let it go, seriously. maybe i should go to counseling for my sexual urges? i know one thing, that i have to get right for myself and for my relationship.

beam me up, eh?

2010-01-02T21:04:00.005-06:00

i'm wouldn't say i'm a NICKI MINAJ fan, but her music is starting to grow on me. i recently made some graphics featuring her and her harajuku based style is creative and highly copied by young girls now. please believe you will NOT catch me rocking a chinese bang and pink weave anytime soon, but she does have some hot freestyles out there.

i totally love her "itty bitty piggy" on the BEAM ME UP SCOTTY mixtape. man, she totally kills it like seriously lol. maybe i am becoming a fan. pshhh, i don't know. but one thing is for sure, she's rising in the hip hop game now.

i'm going in: 2010

2009-12-31T16:42:00.009-06:00

i'm not going to come on here making resolutions that i know i will not keep, but i'll say one thing, i will be the same bee paul i have been.

2009 was a good year, yet not that eventful in my book. i went to the honda battle of the bands, experienced the single life and the bullshit that it brings, and found my half, binaca mason. i have seen who my real friends are, gained some new ones, and left some in the dust. i moved to being natural and cut my hair, raised my grades, and focused on my future career goals. i will say that i have truly grown as an adult.

2010 looks like a promising year. i'm ready to complete something i started, become a leader in the band, and continue to improve in school. i'm ready for the new year and i can't wait to see what's to come.

natural BEE *

2009-11-24T15:47:00.007-06:00

haven't blogged in awhile; school has been really busy and on top of that band takes up most of my time. so let's get an update on my life.

i've recently came to the decision that i'm going natural which means NO MORE RELAXERS!!! i haven't had a good relaxer since the summer time and i tried to give myself one in august but only my edges were straight.

from the looks of things, my natural hair is curly and that's the look i'm trying to achieve. my inspirations in my transition is my friend tylisicia (check out her blog), my english classmate toni mitchell, and jill scott. i completely love the look of ty's and jill scott hair and i hope that i can get to that point. toni's transition story in class made me really consider going natural. she went from having hair down to her back to her natural look today! she's so pretty with it too.

my mom totally hates the idea of me going natural, but i tried to explain to her that i'm now 20 years old and i can make my own decision. i can't believe she even offered to put money in my account just to get a perm!!

i've made up my mind that this is the decision for me. i'm scared about cutting my hair though... it's going to be a hard adjustment, but it will be a great one.

1 Corinthians 13:4 and 7 *

2009-10-13T22:34:00.004-05:00

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

this scripture speaks to me in so many ways. my relationship with BEE is true love. we have been through so many in the three months we've been together. it feels like we've been dating for years. even through all my mess ups, he forgives me and loves me again just for me. i never met a guy that feels so strongly about me. BEE is truly my half and i'm his rib, as he would say. i'm still kinda conflicted with the whole charles situation, but in the end, i know i'ma be with my BEE... <3

guys; the complication of my LIFE *

2009-10-12T10:46:00.005-05:00

so, i haven't posted in awhile. my life's been kinda busy lately with school and band. now here comes this new complications: GUYS!

i have a great guy in my life by the name of binaca (i call him my BEE). we've been talking since march and we just have tons in common. we just recently hooked up in june and things have been okay, until i got back to TSU. see, i'm here in houston and he's in shreveport, which is not that far, but when you don't have transportation, things can get sticky.

i love him with all my heart, but sometimes phone conversations can only go so far. i really want him to transfer to TSU so we can be together, but he really loves grambling. the only reason he would consider TSU is just because of me and i don't want that to be the only factor for him to come here. things are just ugh right now and here comes a new addition: charles.

charles is a guy i met before me and BEE got serious. he's older, like i'm 19 (20 in two weeks ) and he is 25, plus he has a daughter. i know that's alot of baggage to handle, but he is super cool and an extra plus is he's KKΨ. we started to hang out around the end of spring semester and i was totally into him, like wanted to be with him into him. things were going great until the summer hit and i only heard from him twice. i didn't know where we stood, so i moved on to BEE. now that i'm back in houston, we kinda picked up where we left off and i'm starting to feel him even more.

i told BEE about me liking charles and it made him so sad. he wishes he can be with me, but we both know it's not possible right now. he feels like he's making me miserable cause he can't give me what i want. i tell him all the time that you don't have to succome to all of my wants, but he tries so hard to. he's the only one i do love, but i do fear that if me and charles continue to get closer and closer, i could start to develop that love for him too. things are just crazy right now, i don't know what to do :/

lady lux and BEE's future

2009-10-01T00:15:00.003-05:00

so today, i talked to tami latrell, ceo of starfactory productions and my boss for the rest of the semester. thanks to mrs. walker, my online journalism professor, i am now doing an internship at her company and i'm going to be the marketing coordinator. basically what that means, i have to get her girl group LADY LUX out there by blogging, posting on social networks, and creating marketing campaigns.

i'm so excited about this project cause i feel that it will benefit me in the long run. being that my major is speech communications, getting out there and marketing groups and companies to the public is basically what i've been waiting to do. i feel that this is going to be a great semester and i can't wait to get started!

BEE's first blog *

2009-09-30T01:09:00.006-05:00

welcome world to the story of BEE. this is the first entry to my new blog and i'm please to start blogging again. i haven't had an online blog since i had a xanga way back in the gap, so i'm trying to get back in the swing of things.

just a little info about BEE: i'm from port arthur, tx [land of the trill], but currently residing in houston [H-TINE]. texas southern university is my school and i'm a proud tiger! [grrr!] i'm also in the band, a faithful member of the "most exciting band on the planet" [OCEAN OF SOUUUUUUUUUL!] been playing my instrument [flute/piccolo] for almost ten years now and i love it to death. currently majoring in speech communications and minoring in journalism [print to be exact]. the dream occupation at the moment is to be a corporate communications specialist for a major company or a feature journalist for magazines such as vibe, ebony, essence, etc.

you wanna get to know BEE? just stick around and enjoy my life. :)