Tuesday, January 5, 2010

puffy eyes and dried tears*

i've been crying since about 6 in the evening yesterday, wondering what direction do i want to go in my relationship with my boyfriend bee. i know once i get back to houston, my sexual urges are going to come back with a vengence and it will be hard to deny them. so, i kinda suggested that we enter into an open relationship. i cheated on him in the fall with charles [read earlier post] and i didn't want to hurt him again, so i thought an open relationship would help. well, he couldn't grasp the idea of it, so he broke up with me. he said that he couldn't bare the fact that he would be sharing me and he just couldn't do it.

i love bee with all of my heart and i know that i don't want to be with any other guy, but these urges hold me hostage at times. i have a strong sexual appetite and it's hard for it to become "full". i first experienced this my first semester in college where i literally went crazy cause i needed to have sex. i went after an old high school classmate of mine that usually i wouldn't even talk to, but i gave in. after that day, when i need to have sex, it's either by myself or i have to be with somebody. recently, charles has been satisfying me in my needs at school. keep in mind, i don't love him or anything. i really don't want to be with him, but he gives me what i need when it comes to sex. 

when it comes to me and bee, i love every moment we have when we are together. the emotions, passion, everything is there on the table, but i still feel like i need more. i don't want to feel like this all the time. i feel like i'm a prisoner to my urges, i can't escape. he tells me to pray, to leave it to God. i want to pray and give it to Him, but i feel like i would just disappoint him and fall victim to my urges again. Lord knows i want to change, but my body tells me i can't.

bee finally said he would be in an open relationship, but i can tell it's not what he wants. he always does things for me, but i can never do the things he want me to do. what's wrong with me? why can't i stay faithful? why can't i just be satisfied with the relationship i already have? why do i always have to mess up?

i don't even deserve to be with a guy like bee. he doesn't drink, smoke, or party like i do. he's only been with 2 other girls before me. he's a minister and he attends church regularly. what does he see in a girl like me?? i smoke, drink, and party. i can count on both hands the number of dudes i've slept with, not even counting the dudes i gave head to. i've never been faithful to any on my long term boyfriends. i love to fuck and i need it on a regular basis. what the fuck is wrong with me? why would he even love a girl like me?

but he say he does and i love him too with all of my heart. i literally can see myself with him in the future. not the type of stuff i saw in high school, but real love that can go far. i just need to get myself right first. i'ma go back to houston and get everything out my system. i'ma just fuck and let it go, seriously. maybe i should go to counseling for my sexual urges? i know one thing, that i have to get right for myself and for my relationship.

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