i love bee with all of my heart and i know that i don't want to be with any other guy, but these urges hold me hostage at times. i have a strong sexual appetite and it's hard for it to become "full". i first experienced this my first semester in college where i literally went crazy cause i needed to have sex. i went after an old high school classmate of mine that usually i wouldn't even talk to, but i gave in. after that day, when i need to have sex, it's either by myself or i have to be with somebody. recently, charles has been satisfying me in my needs at school. keep in mind, i don't love him or anything. i really don't want to be with him, but he gives me what i need when it comes to sex.
when it comes to me and bee, i love every moment we have when we are together. the emotions, passion, everything is there on the table, but i still feel like i need more. i don't want to feel like this all the time. i feel like i'm a prisoner to my urges, i can't escape. he tells me to pray, to leave it to God. i want to pray and give it to Him, but i feel like i would just disappoint him and fall victim to my urges again. Lord knows i want to change, but my body tells me i can't.
bee finally said he would be in an open relationship, but i can tell it's not what he wants. he always does things for me, but i can never do the things he want me to do. what's wrong with me? why can't i stay faithful? why can't i just be satisfied with the relationship i already have? why do i always have to mess up?
i don't even deserve to be with a guy like bee. he doesn't drink, smoke, or party like i do. he's only been with 2 other girls before me. he's a minister and he attends church regularly. what does he see in a girl like me?? i smoke, drink, and party. i can count on both hands the number of dudes i've slept with, not even counting the dudes i gave head to. i've never been faithful to any on my long term boyfriends. i love to fuck and i need it on a regular basis. what the fuck is wrong with me? why would he even love a girl like me?
but he say he does and i love him too with all of my heart. i literally can see myself with him in the future. not the type of stuff i saw in high school, but real love that can go far. i just need to get myself right first. i'ma go back to houston and get everything out my system. i'ma just fuck and let it go, seriously. maybe i should go to counseling for my sexual urges? i know one thing, that i have to get right for myself and for my relationship.