Monday, May 3, 2010

down and out *

dudes will be the death of me...

i swear i'ma leave dudes alone for a minute because i'm never gonna find the right one for me. today i found out that charles has a girlfriend and i think they live together. ugh, how could i be so stupid and naive?! i'm always the girl that warns my friends about triflin' dudes, but look at me falling for the same traps. and he had the nerve to get mad at me when i told him i had a boyfriend.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i want to be single and mingle with the guys, but then i just want somebody to call me own. i love being in love and i hate not being in love. [sigh] will my love life ever be right?

Monday, April 12, 2010

it's been a minute...

i've been gone for a minute, but i'm back...

first off, i wanna start off by saying i have missed writing on my blog. my writing game has been slipping lately, but it's about time for me to come back! my life has been a rollercoaster since my last blog entry. so many things have changed and new people have entered my life. so let me catch ya'll up...

it looks like me and bee are not getting back together any time soon. since breaking up with him, my feelings for him have totally changed. don't get me wrong, he's a cool person and all, but it was like i didn't have a break from him since the break up. i just wanted that time away from him. telling him this wasn't easy, he totally took it out of context and flipped. some of the things he said and did were out of line and i told him about it. he apologized and all, but i still feel i need to separate myself from him for a while.

moving on, my first love of my life willie has entered back in my life. i can't tell ya'll how much i love this guy, it's crazy. willie is my high school sweetheart and will always have a place in my heart. we recently kinda hooked back up over spring break and when i go home for the weekends sometimes. being with him brings back so many memories. he knows me and i know him. it's just a connection i can't help but recognize. he recently got in some trouble and he called me first out of anybody. i never thought i would ever be in that situation, but for him, i'll do anything, well almost anything. lol

there's this new guy i met name fred and he's pretty cool. the only problem i have with him is that he's really reserved. i can't be too flirtacious with him or he'll back off alot. i can see myself chilling with him more, but he's so busy with work, he can barely come over to the school. [sigh] we'll see...

soooo, me and charles hooked up earlier this week and it brought back some GREAT memories (wink,wink). i wish he wasn't so childish when it comes to relationship because i would totally consider him as a boo thang. he is soooo freaking hilarious. all i do is laugh when i'm around him. i just love the fact that he is older, so he knows alot more when it comes to... SEX! lol but, he still cool too...

school is coming along, i'm ready for the semester to be over though. mrs. walker is trying to hook up an internship for me this summer, so hopefully i'll be doing what i love this summer. i promise to keep ya'll updated for now so stay tuned!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

dear b.j. *

this has been long over due...

dear b.j. ,

in the the beginning, i really did not think much of you. i just thought of you as a cool ass guy friend. i never really pictured myself being in a relationship with you because my intentions were on charles. we became friends and we grew extremely close. i told you more than i told my home girls. i knew you would always be there for me.

the summer hit and charles was no longer in the picture. i grew to like you even more every day we talked. you made me laugh and you taught me things i never knew before. i slowly began to love you and i wanted you to be min. and then it happen...

you gave me everything i needed; you were the best boyfriend i ever had. you loved me past my flaws and you would do anything for me. when i came to visit you in shreveport, i had the most wonderful time. i knew in my heart that you were the guy for me...

until i got back to houston and i saw charles again. all those feelings i had came sweeping back and i couldn't stop them. i did not want to hurt you, but i just couldn't stop myself...

time has past and we are no longer together. i'm truly sorry for hurting you the way i did. i did and still do truly love you. even with us broken up, i can still see myself getting back with you. i just know that deep down inside, i am not ready for a committed long distanced relationship. i just don't wanna be that girl that scorn you for life when it comes to love and relationships. i don't mean to rub in me and charles in your face and i'm sorry if it appears that way.

i do still think of you as my future bee and i know eventually we will be deeply committed and in love with each other.


your BEE <3

Sunday, January 17, 2010

i get so lonely *

ugh, being lonely totally sucks ass like seriously. i can't stand not being by myself for a long period of time. it's just not me.

so it's been a couple of weeks since i had any contact with a dude and i feel like i'm going into withdrawal. no kisses, no hugs, no sex= me having the shakes! lol i'm not use to this and i really need to find me a cuddle buddy like really fast. honestly, i'm hoping that charles will come around, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. Mother Teresa said it right with this quote. i just feel so unloved right now. i feel like i'm not desirable and i feel ugly. i just can't stand not having someone showing me some type of affection.

BEE once told me the reason why i seek affection is because of the fact that my father was never there for me and i never got that affection i needed from him. i don't know if that's true or not, but i do feel he does play a role in how i view relationships. how can i trust any man when i know they might up and leave me?? i just choose to hurt them before they hurt me.

but back to me being lonely, i gotta get over this. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE KEEP ME COMPANY?!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

letting go *

i'm trying to let go, but it's hard to do. i really want to be just happy with where i am in my life right now, but it's hard. like seriously, i don't know what i want for me in life. i can tell you my goals and where i want to be in my career, but when it comes to me personally, i go blank.

i try to take advice from everybody, but i still seem to float my own boat when it comes to my happiness. my sis and friends tell me to move on, that you're too young to be in a serious relationship. i kinda agree, at this point of my life, i don't think i'm ready to be fully committed. plus, i need to work on the things i'm dealing with internally before i can be a girlfriend to anybody.

but secretly, i wanna have somebody to call my own. i wanna be loved and have that affection that i crave so much. i totally screwed my relationship with BEE just cause i wanted to continue things with charles, but now i don't even now if charles was ever feeling me like that.

i'm trying to let go, one step at a time. first, i need to read my dear charles letter to him so i can see how he really feels about me. second, i just need to focus on me and better myself. ugh... things just look so bleek in my life.

my dear charles letter *

dear charles,

from the start, people warned me about you. they told me that you weren't good for me and that i should not mess with you. even after all this, i still pursued you. i went after you because something about you intrigued me. when i finally got your attention, our time together was great. we grew close, in my eyes, and i could really see myself with you for a while. i told you that i wanted you to be my only guy and i did mean it... until i didn't hear from you over the summer.

yeah i moved on, but secretly i still wanted to be with you. it was something about you that i just couldn't let go. when i first saw you once i came back to school, all those emotions just rushed back and i couldn't stop them. that first time we hooked back up, i could tell that you were still feeling me... so i thought.

i still like you, i really do. like i said before, it's something about you that i just can't resist. it just seems like it's one sided though. not saying that you don't think i'm cool or that you don't like me, but maybe you were only there for the sex. whatever it is, i can see it now. even after all this, i still wanna be that girl you kick it with. crazy as it sounds, i really do.

i really wish that you can just be real with me and tell me how you really feel. i mean, be straight up with me. do you want to continue this or do you want me just to leave you alone. people have been telling me to stop pursuing you and maybe i should do that. maybe i should just take the backseat and see if you would come after me.

i know i've been bugging you lately, but i just gotta know dude. just tell me, okay?

Friday, January 15, 2010

you got me feenin' *

what the fuck is wrong with men these days?! i mean, i would say that i am a decent looking female with alot to offer a guy, but i swear dudes be acting so damn stupid! ugh, i can't deal with them anymore. i'ma just do me and hopefully a guy can come around that knows how to kick it right.

so, i've been trying to chill with charles since i got back, but he on that other shit. he'll say he wanna come over but he never makes an effort to come. you would think after all that stuff he told me, he would LOVE to come to my room, but NOOOOOOOOO he wanna play games. man, i think i'ma leave him alone, but i just can't stop thinking about he DO me so good. omg, charles be having a girl feenin' for more i tell you.

i don't know what the fuck i'ma do with my situation. maybe i'ma become asexual, not like men or women. LMAO! puhlease, i love dudes too much to do that. [sigh] i just need something to get me over times like these.