single and busted *

so, i finally figured out why the single life wasn't for me: IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!! ugh is the only thing i can say about my situation right now.

me and BEE have been talking regularly, but i can tell he is still hurt. i meant so much to him and feel like i let him down like seriously. i always have a tendency to fuck up a good relationship because of my needs. i'm so selfish, but it's hard for me to admit that to others. [sigh] i really need to get myself together.

what's in the future for this single and busted female?? who knows at this point, but i do know that i still love my BEE and i will not love anybody else other than him

f*cked up life *

so me and BEE broke up today and i feel horrible. he's such a good guy and i know he's my guy for life, but at this point in my life, i can't be truly commited to him. God know i want to, but i know it won't happen. he's heartbroken right now, but i knew that i didn't want to hurt him with my actions if we were to stay together.

i do feel that we will get back together, but i don't know how soon that's gonna be. i love him with all of my heart, but i gotta get brittany together first before i can be truly with someone. i have commitment issues and i love sex to much to be in a long distance relationship. idk what's going on anymore. i never used this in my days, but fml =(

what a girl wants *

what do i want when it comes to a relationship? 

i know i want a guy that is there for me and loves me unconditionally, but i still wanna be able to explore and play the field too. i love my BEE with all my heart, but i can not hide the fact that i want to flirt and talk to other dudes too.

i really think if he was in houston with me, i wouldn't have all the problems that i deal with on a daily basis. i need affection all the time and i hate to be lonely. honestly, i love how i feel during sex. i love everything about it: the foreplay, the teasing, the intercourse; i just love everything about it. with BEE not being there, i get these urges that do not go away on their own. they HAVE TO BE FULFILLED.

i've never been faithful in any of my long term relationships. i cheated on my first boyfriend willie, my other boyfriend anthony, and on BEE now. it's not that i didn't or don't love them, it's just i love flirting and i love taking it to that next level. i want to stay faithful, but when those urges come, it's impossible for me.

maybe i should be single, work on myself and then finally become seriously commited to the one i love. but what if he's not there when i'm done? it would hurt so much to lose binaca at this point in my life. he's literally my half, he keeps me sane at times. we're a total match, we scarily have so much in common. i couldn't bare losing him...

what does this girl want?

puffy eyes and dried tears*

i've been crying since about 6 in the evening yesterday, wondering what direction do i want to go in my relationship with my boyfriend bee. i know once i get back to houston, my sexual urges are going to come back with a vengence and it will be hard to deny them. so, i kinda suggested that we enter into an open relationship. i cheated on him in the fall with charles [read earlier post] and i didn't want to hurt him again, so i thought an open relationship would help. well, he couldn't grasp the idea of it, so he broke up with me. he said that he couldn't bare the fact that he would be sharing me and he just couldn't do it.

i love bee with all of my heart and i know that i don't want to be with any other guy, but these urges hold me hostage at times. i have a strong sexual appetite and it's hard for it to become "full". i first experienced this my first semester in college where i literally went crazy cause i needed to have sex. i went after an old high school classmate of mine that usually i wouldn't even talk to, but i gave in. after that day, when i need to have sex, it's either by myself or i have to be with somebody. recently, charles has been satisfying me in my needs at school. keep in mind, i don't love him or anything. i really don't want to be with him, but he gives me what i need when it comes to sex. 

when it comes to me and bee, i love every moment we have when we are together. the emotions, passion, everything is there on the table, but i still feel like i need more. i don't want to feel like this all the time. i feel like i'm a prisoner to my urges, i can't escape. he tells me to pray, to leave it to God. i want to pray and give it to Him, but i feel like i would just disappoint him and fall victim to my urges again. Lord knows i want to change, but my body tells me i can't.

bee finally said he would be in an open relationship, but i can tell it's not what he wants. he always does things for me, but i can never do the things he want me to do. what's wrong with me? why can't i stay faithful? why can't i just be satisfied with the relationship i already have? why do i always have to mess up?

i don't even deserve to be with a guy like bee. he doesn't drink, smoke, or party like i do. he's only been with 2 other girls before me. he's a minister and he attends church regularly. what does he see in a girl like me?? i smoke, drink, and party. i can count on both hands the number of dudes i've slept with, not even counting the dudes i gave head to. i've never been faithful to any on my long term boyfriends. i love to fuck and i need it on a regular basis. what the fuck is wrong with me? why would he even love a girl like me?

but he say he does and i love him too with all of my heart. i literally can see myself with him in the future. not the type of stuff i saw in high school, but real love that can go far. i just need to get myself right first. i'ma go back to houston and get everything out my system. i'ma just fuck and let it go, seriously. maybe i should go to counseling for my sexual urges? i know one thing, that i have to get right for myself and for my relationship.

beam me up, eh?

i'm wouldn't say i'm a NICKI MINAJ fan, but her music is starting to grow on me. i recently made some graphics featuring her and her harajuku based style is creative and highly copied by young girls now. please believe you will NOT catch me rocking a chinese bang and pink weave anytime soon, but she does have some hot freestyles out there.

i totally love her "itty bitty piggy" on the BEAM ME UP SCOTTY mixtape. man, she totally kills it like seriously lol. maybe i am becoming a fan. pshhh, i don't know. but one thing is for sure, she's rising in the hip hop game now.

i'm going in: 2010

i'm not going to come on here making resolutions that i know i will not keep, but i'll say one thing, i will be the same bee paul i have been.

2009 was a good year, yet not that eventful in my book. i went to the honda battle of the bands, experienced the single life and the bullshit that it brings, and found my half, binaca mason. i have seen who my real friends are, gained some new ones, and left some in the dust. i moved to being natural and cut my hair, raised my grades, and focused on my future career goals. i will say that i have truly grown as an adult.

2010 looks like a promising year. i'm ready to complete something i started, become a leader in the band, and continue to improve in school. i'm ready for the new year and i can't wait to see what's to come.

natural BEE *

haven't blogged in awhile; school has been really busy and on top of that band takes up most of my time. so let's get an update on my life.

i've recently came to the decision that i'm going natural which means NO MORE RELAXERS!!! i haven't had a good relaxer since the summer time and i tried to give myself one in august but only my edges were straight.

from the looks of things, my natural hair is curly and that's the look i'm trying to achieve. my inspirations in my transition is my friend tylisicia (check out her blog), my english classmate toni mitchell, and jill scott. i completely love the look of ty's and jill scott hair and i hope that i can get to that point. toni's transition story in class made me really consider going natural. she went from having hair down to her back to her natural look today! she's so pretty with it too.

my mom totally hates the idea of me going natural, but i tried to explain to her that i'm now 20 years old and i can make my own decision. i can't believe she even offered to put money in my account just to get a perm!!

i've made up my mind that this is the decision for me. i'm scared about cutting my hair though... it's going to be a hard adjustment, but it will be a great one.